SHTUPPIN' MY AUNT ROSE'S FACE

Though it's true that my resume reads like I'm front and center in the infamous Who's Who of Slut Rags, I find myself unemployed currently and surviving by selling crap on eBay, unemployment insurance checks (which are about to run out) , and an occasional freelance gig here and there. And so I don't have a lot of money to squander on squacks.

Bearing this in mind, I gave old $ a call to ask for a recommendation as to who might give me the best bang for my bee-iz-uck! And with a chuckle in his voice, Bildo recommended some wacko chick he used to "go out" with who happens to be like 80 years old. At first, I totally busted the guy for being a total loser until he espoused his "any port in a storm ethos" adding that while in her throes, he was actually getting paid and laid what with doing art and internet work on her behalf. Plus he chided me that after experiencing the old bag, I might sing a different tune.

Convinced that I could get off cheap (pun intended) and that this would truly be the experience of a lifetime (if only for the fact that I was about to get blown by a hag much older than I'd ever been with before), I called BLOW JOB BERTHA to hear the voice of my long departed Aunt Rose on the other end of the line.

It was all I could do to not burst out laughing just at the suburban timber of her speech. Bertha sounded like one of the only over-the-hill douchebag housewives of Long Gisland (no typo). Oy vay! And I'm a cracker from the Midwest!

Regardless...we talked at length once she found out I used to be the Editor of several "men's sophisticates." The girl must have dropped like six hundred names during the conversation and essentially, never shut the fuck up to the point where I almost decided not to indulge. But my boner reigned supreme and just an hour later, she was at my do' like a mother fuckin' ho (yo)!

I'd seen her picture and was a little disappointed that she'd lost some weight most of which seemed to come off her tits! Call me crazy but why go on a diet if all you're gonna lose is your juggs? Maybe she didn't realize until it was too late. Or maybe her back was hurting her from carrying around all that weight.

Getting to the good part, Bertha decided a massage would be the relevant foreplay for whatever would come next. And given that the girl stated she wouldn't be watching the clock I figured what the hell! Old age notwithstanding, Bertha can really massage you from head to toe. I was impressed! And then when it came to the flip, I really understood what $ was talking about!

Whoa! Talk about a tireless throat monster. I felt like I was getting raped! Two problems, though. One was minor: She didn't want me touching her head at all while she blew me. That was OK! But when she balked at my pawing her big, saggy juggs, I found that unfair until bam! She pushed me back proclaiming "Watch it disappear" as her face gobbled up every millimeter of HIZZONER!

At some point, I suggested that we do a little boom boom but B-girl wasn't down with the program. "Not tonight, honey! I'm a little tired!" I thought that was strange until after I'd busted a major nut all over my belly (she doesn't like guys coming in her mouth), when Bertha explained she's more of a suck queen than a fuck bunny!

After I was done and cleaned up, I really could have lived without her endless chatter - and was almost happy that I'd paid rather than earned the royal treatment. If I'd met her in a bar, I'd have had to listen to her boring crap all night. This way I could throw her out. What was Charley Sheen's famous line? "You don't pay them for the sex....you pay them to leave!" I couldn't agree more! 

Well that's that! I'm not really one of those reviewers so I'm not sure how to wind this up except to say unlike a Lay's potato chip, I don't necessarily need to go back for more. But on the other hand, the old gal really did put out orally. And that coupled with the massage made it a worthwhile experience. Maybe if I score a bundle of money I'll go for a Raquel Welch type. But given the price (150), I was satisfied! 

WELCOME TO SQUACK JACK SHELLAQUE'S MOST GNARLY ESCORT REVIEW

Dollar Bill is a pussy. I know that because he's been my friend for years. In fact, I'd say he's gay if I hadn't heard from a bunch of skanks that his dick gets hard for their worn-out pussies. And if a guy can go into a ho house and wear out an already treadless tire, he can't be gay. That's a man's man.

I was introduced to the world of flatbackers (his word) while Editor at SCREW. Dollar was all over the office what with selling advertising and writing stories for the paper. One day we got to talking about pussy (like what else would you do at Screw) and I revealed I hadn't been laid for months. Dollar was indignant.

"How the fuck can you be the Editor of Screw and not get laid for months?" he asked. And before I could even answer, he was on my phone calling up a ho house to hook me up. 

"Hey! This is Billy from Screw's phone. I'm in the office with the Editor and I want to get him laid! Set the guy up and I'll get you a free guide listing. Trust me...you'll make the money back a hundred times over." 

That was his pitch. And that very night, I had a skank shining my knob and slobbering my shaft. Awesome! Good thing I'm not gay. I'd have fallen in love with the guy right then and there!

So back to why Dollar's a pussy. He's so scared of the law his blog has turned to mush. All the skanks are escorts or companions whereas they were once ho's, skanks, flatbackers, cocksuckers and what not. And the guys who go see the hose bags morphed from tricks and johns to mongers and hobbyists. Now that's gay right there! Fucking mongers! Sounds like a Ken doll looks!

A couple of days ago Dollar was lamenting how soft he'd become, and how he's not even worthy of any of these beasts now that his blog has become so fucking impotent. Thus, he solicited me to be his alter ego, suggesting that I go see some girls and really tell it like it is...Screw style. No holds barred! Just so I don't publish phone numbers or accept money from advertisers he said I can say whatever the fuck I want.

With the promise that eventually girls will fuck me free to be reviewed on my blog (my lips to God's ears), I'm starting this site today. Hopefully, I'll have some fun in the process...and Dollar can live vicariously through me - as His Royal Flaccidity is in full effect! 

And away we go!

SHE'S JUST AN OLD LUMP OF COAL

And she ain't gonna be no diamond someday. But who cares? The girl's got an amazing booooty! And that was the order of the day.

Now, we're talkin' DIAMOND (hence the coal reference) from GENTLEMAN'S CHOICE NYC, an excellent whorehouse in Midtown offering a bevy of beauties at least a few of which I'd let my dick near. Cause ya know...I'm a discriminating gent...which is why I'll only fuck some hookers - and not all!

Of all the Holland Tunnels in the house, I chose Diamond for one reason. Her booty! I mean.. the girl has flaws. Not that gorgeous. Funny shaped legs. A little pot belly. And baby (but very beautiful) A-cup tits. Regardless...the booty? Irresistible! So I went for it.

And actually, it was a good decision. First, a blow job right off the bat. And a good one. Slurpety-slurp went her mouth. I guess the old saying "there's no substitute for experience" really does apply. Diamond is young...but certainly not without expertise or experience. Bein' a ho will do that. They can get more dick in a week than a regular chick gets in a year!

So while she's burying my saber deep in her throat, I commenced to spanking her amazingly round booty. Bazinga! What a butt bongo bonanza. I'm not sure who was enjoying it more - me or Miss Diamond. Me, I'd imagine as I have no doubt she goes through the same routine multiple times a day. Like what red-blooded guy wouldn't spank that booty? Come on!

Enough with the blow job, she wrapped me up (with her mouth...I love how hookers do that. Regular girls never do) and I plunged headlong into what was a remarkably wet and soft pussy. Some guys say that all pussy is the same...or all pussy is good. I beg to differ. Whichever, Diamond's is first rate.

With seemingly no choice in the matter, I banged away for an ample period of time and busted right at the half hour mark. Hey! She's not the only pro in the house. I'm what the ho's call a 29 minute trick. I get my money's worth. 

After it was over, the skank tried to hustle me for a big tip. A little late for that, honey. You already got your big tip - if you know what I mean. Actually, I might have been more generous had I not sensed that she's a money-hungry slut. So I saved a few for the bar next door.

No matter! I had my way. That's what counts. After my nightcap, I went home to sleep alone.   If there's one thing I do better than fucking whores it's sleeping alone. Zzzzzzzz!